The "New Girl" Where Jess Has A Bag Of Meth In Her Closet Is The Funniest Episode Of The Show, And These 33 Moments Prove It

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Hiya, folks! A little while ago I ranked the top 20 New Girl episodes, and though “Background Check” (Season 4, Episode 6) was my second best overall, it is without a doubt the funniest and most flawless episode of the show.

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television / Via giphy.com

Here are 33 moments from the episode that prove its brilliance.

1.
When Winston wanted everyone’s help for his police academy background check, but Coach was busy.

Winston says, "My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help," and Coach says, "Can't do it bro, I'm going to the outlet mall today, I'm gonna look like a rich person from three years ago"

2.
When Winston explained who was going to be doing his background check.

Winston says, "It's from Sergeant Tess Dorado, The Fish, I'm think they call her that cause she's tough but fair, like most fish I've interacted with," Schmidt says, "Dorado is a fish, it's a subset of mahi-mahi and it pairs nicely with citrus, you oaf"

3.
When Jess was clearly concerned about a police officer coming to the loft, and Nick, Schmidt, and Coach guessed why.

Nick says, "What are you afraid of, they'll look through your dream journal," Schmidt says, "What, are you running a sweatshop back there for skirts that look like curtains," and Coach says, "What, did you steal a kiss and hide it in an envelope"

4.
But then she told them why.

Jess says, "I have a bag of meth in my closet" and the men look at her shocked

5.
When Jess explained why she had a bag of meth in her closet.

Coach says, "Why are you keeping it in your closet," Jess says, "I can't notify the authorities, officer I found a bag of meth in a footstool I bought at a garage sale, no, my closet is safe, the only person in there is me when I'm naked and or sad"

6.
And she called Cece for help.

Jess says, "I'm gonna call Cece, she knows about this stuff, she lived one summer in Milan with a guy named 'Crystal Randy'"

7.
When Nick’s inability to lie had to be handled.

Nick says, "I can't see where it goes, 'cause then when she comes in here, I'll just yell 'trash.' I'll yell 'trash.," Jess says, "Cover your ears and sing 'Landslide,'" and Nick sings, "I took my love and I took it down"

8.
When Winston tried to make small talk with Sergeant Dorado.

Winston asks, "Fun Saturday," Dorado says, "No, my bird died," Winston says, "Well, my mom used to say, when a bird dies, he gets another set of wings in heaven, so," and Dorado says, "Well, that bird was going straight to hell"

9.
When Sergeant Dorado prefaced her questioning while Jess’s bra was stuffed with meth.

Jess's bra is stuffed and Dorado says, "I will ask questions, you will ask no questions, in exchange I will offer up three personal facts, I was born in St. Louis, I have three brothers, two of whom were killed in separate plane crashes, and I like music"

10.
When the meth in Jess’s bra moved and Coach covered it up with grapes.

Meth is Jess's bra falls, so Coach covers it up with grapes and says, "Green grape, would you like...," and Dorado says "No thanks, I already had my grapes"

11.
And Nick asked her if she wanted grapes again.

Nick says, "Would you like a green grape shoved in your – given to your mouth — handed to your mouth"

12.
When Jess told Winston her chest looked different because of her period.

Winston says, "And girl, you ain't got a cycle, you got a rollercoaster," Jess says, "Don't I know it, girl" and then looks down in shame

13.
When Coach said Winston was an asset to the community because of the work he did at Boys & Girls Club, and that he would go and get Winston’s little brother.

Cece asks, "You're gonna go and get Duquan," Coach says, "I think so" and looks back at everyone in fear as he leaves

14.
When Jess tried to put the meth down the shower drain.

Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, "Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before," and Jess says, "I don't know, I saw 'Ray'"

15.
When Jess thought she was getting high.

Jess says, "I think that the meth entered my bloodstream through my boob skin"

16.
When Cece and Jess tried to flush the meth but it clogged the toilet and made a ton of noise.

Dorado says, "What's all that clanging," and Nick says, "Oh, it's just a bunch of clanging"

17.
But Schmidt came up with a totally legitimate reason for all the noise.

Schmidt says, "It's probably the ladies playing with their jewelry," Nick says, "And their brooches," and Schmidt says, "You know how the — brooches, of course, Nick makes a very good point"

18.
When Nick panic moonwalked away from Winston.

Winston asks, "What's going on" and Nick panic moonwalks away

19.
When Schmidt tried to help clean the bathroom.

Cece says, "Why is your shirt off," and Schmidt says, "I've seen 'New Jack City,' okay, they all take their shirts off in the crack cocaine lab"

20.
When Winston learned there was meth and Jess came up with an explanation for it.

Winston asks, "Meth, what meth," and Jess, who is holding some, says, "This meth, it's legal meth, it's medical meth, for my cramps"

21.
When Nick was alone with Sergeant Dorado and couldn’t take it.

Nick sings, ""I took my love and I took it down, I drove around and I hit a pound, and I saw all the puppies with their eyes so blind"

22.
So he told her everything he’d ever done.

Nick says, "Okay, you want the truth, I'll tell you everything, when I was 13-years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office"

23.
When Coach went looking for a kid to be Duquan.

Coach says, "Hey, come here, man, come here, I need a little boy, whoa, no, that's not what I meant, no no no, I didn't mean — you know what I'm — ah"

24.
When Nick told Sergeant Dorado more things he’d done.

Nick says, "When I was 9, I fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died, then I fed cereal flakes to all little animals, squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live, anything that lives half in and out of water dies and I don't understand why"

25.
And more.

Nick says, "When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth"

26.
And more.

Nick says, "My sixteenth year, I never got an erection, I thought they were done, I thought my penis was dead, it wasn't"

27.
When Winston tried to take the blame for the meth, but Jess wouldn’t let him.

Winston says, "Sarge, I have something I need to tell you," but Jess says, "Wait, sergeant, my name is Jessica Day, and this is my meth"

28.
And she still thought she was high.

Jess says, "Does meth make you feel, like, normal, but like, like, your face feels, like, scratchy"

29.
When Jess said farewell to Nick before she went to jail.

Jess says, "Hey Nick, when I'm in prison, write, dance, sing, live your life, and if you come and visit me in jail, please don't wear that robe," and Nick says, "It's a kimono"

30.
When Sergeant Dorado explained what the meth was.

Dorado says, "Well, this is a first, these are aquarium rocks," Jess says, "So that's the street name for—," and Dorado says, "No, these are actual aquarium rocks"

31.
And she pleaded with Winston to move after saying he passed his background check.

Dorado says, "Excuse me, please consider moving, I have no idea why you live with these people, what kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket," and Nick says, "I thought it would make lightning"

32.
When Coach arrived with Duquan.

Coach says, "Hey, guess who's here? Like he normally is, every Saturday. It's...Duquan!" and a man in his thirties walks in

33.
And finally, when Coach and Duquan (José, actually) bonded over their shared outlet mall strategy.

José says, "I do the same, but I end it with pretzel," Coach says, "Pretzel, I—," José says, "Shut up," Coach asks, "Cinnamon pretzel," José says, "Oh my god," and Coach says, "Dude, don't"

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