26 Times "Riverdale" Characters Said The Most Ridiculous Things Known To Humankind

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We all know Riverdale is truly one of the wildest teen shows of all time. But the true art of Riverdale lies not in its plotlines, but its dialogue.

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^Cheryl Blossom, queen of nicknames.

Here are 28 lines we still cannot believe were actually uttered by Riverdale characters.


When Archie tried to converse with his prison inmate.

Archie's inmate says, "I dropped out in the fourth grade to run drugs to support my nana," and Archie says, "That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football"

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Sidenote: neither of these grown men are high school students, lol.


When Betty unpacked being a serpent queen.

Betty says, "The serpent queen is a warrior queen"

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When Jughead used all of their ship names in this mind-boggling sentence.

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When Veronica could not understand how Archie was breaking up with her.

Archie says, "Ronnie, when I first met you, you were it for me, everything I could have ever wanted, I saw our whole future," and Veronica says, "Because we're endgame, Archie"

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When Fred very reasonably asked Archie why he was comfortable coming home when the reason he ran away was still a threat.

Fred asks, "What about Hiram," and Archie scoffs and says, "I survived a bear attack, dad"

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When Josie took her band name a little too literally.

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When the show clearly couldn’t legally say Forbes.

Veronica says, "B, you don't make Fibes 20 Under 20 by prancing around the woods in a deer carcass"

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When Archie said he wanted to “make his bones” for the billionth time.

Archie says, "I'm gonna make my bones once and for all" and he stabs a table with a knife

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When Cheryl went to Archie’s house.

Cheryl says, "Mr. Andrews, nice haircut, looking extremely DILFy today"

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When Jughead was just ~different~.

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When the phrase that, like, hypnotized Betty was…this.

Charles says to Betty, "Tangerine, tangerine, tangerine"

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When Riverdale tried to tackle a very specific part of the pornographic industry.

Reggie asks, "So, what's the scam," Kevin says, "We make tickle videos for a guy named Terry," and Reggie asks, "Hm"

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When Cheryl told Toni how much she loved her in a unique way.

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When Jughead was — in case you hadn’t noticed — weird.

Jughead says, "In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird, I'm a weirdo, I don't fit in, and I don't wanna fit in, have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on, that's weird"

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When Alice found out Hal was a serial killer and the first thing she did was insult his serial killing.

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When Veronica had a strangely specific threat.

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When Ethel started “shipping” herself and Jughead because the Gargoyle King told her to, and Betty was not here for it.

Ethel: "That's because the Gargoyle King wants Jughead and me to be together. We're gonna be a ship." Betty (laughing): "Ohh. 'Ethelhead?' In your dreams"

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When Alice and Polly told Betty she had something called “the serial killer genes.”

Alice says Betty has "the MAOA and CDH13 genes, commonly called the" then Polly interrupted to finish "serial killer genes"

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When Cheryl threatened her mom in the most overdramatic way possible.

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Whenever any of the characters said “daddy,” but especially this moment.

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When Elio said these two names with a straight face.

Elio tells Archie, "Word is, Papa Poutine's son Small Fry is looking for payback"

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When Veronica took her cheer audition a little too seriously.

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When Cheryl and Toni — two high schoolers — took a bonkers relationship step.

Cheryl says, "You can stay here for as long as you like, even...permanently," and Toni asks, "You mean, like, move in with you"

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When Polly named her babies truly terrible names.

Toni says, "After the big wedding, Edgar's planning to adopt Juniper and Dagwood"

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When Archie took a plea deal for a crime he didn’t commit because another trial would have been a hassle.

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And finally, when Cheryl eloquently explained how she felt about Polly.

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Got any more? Let us know in the comments!


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