68 Extremely Funny "New Girl" Moments That Should Be Celebrated


1.

Everything about Nick’s sauce.

Winston asks, You put bologna in your Bolognese, and Nick says, Where else would it get its name, trick question, it gets it from the mayonnaise


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2.

Cymbals are part of the drum kit.

Schmidt says, Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please, Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal, and Jess says, Cymbals are part of the drum kit


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3.

Prank Sinatra’s CV.

Jess says, Every prank you do turns out either too big, flashback Nick says, Did you register me as a sex offender, Jess says, Or too small, flashback Schmidt's eating cereal and says, How'd this blueberry get in here, and Winston starts cackling


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4.

Jess’s response when Nick calls her a gold digger.

Jess says, If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you, I would be the worst gold digger in the world


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5.

Schmidt’s reaction to hearing about a break-in at his daughter’s preschool.

A child says, A white man broke in today, Schmidt says, A white man, no, well, what did security do about it, the child says, Nothing, and Schmidt yells, Typical


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6.

What Nick thinks is sexy.

Jess asks, You want my purses to be covered in gem stones, and Nick says, All guys do, that's what we think is sexy, we want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a mini skirt with a purse with gems, but you girls don't listen


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7.

What makes Schmidt angry and scared at the same time.

Schmidt says, God, I hate that you knit, I hate everything about it, Jess asks, Why, and Schmidt says, It makes me angry and scared all at the same time, just like when I hear the phrase, Academy Award-winner, Anna Paquin


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8.

Jeans is pants.

Schmidt says, I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name, S, Jeans, is that right, is jeans not a letter, it feels like a letter to me and then he says, Jeans isn’t a letter, jeans is pants


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9.

The names of Nick’s testicles.

Winston says, You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon, and Nick says, Yeah, so what


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10.

Schmidt’s reaction to a spider in the loft.

Schmidt is standing on a table holding the light fixture and says, There it is, it's right there, it's licking its lips


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11.

He really, really couldn’t handle it.

At different points Schmidt says, It could be right above our heads, hanging from its butt rope, and, I can hear it building its sticky, deadly house that you can never leave, building it with its ass, and, God, it's left the web to feed


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12.

Why Coach wanted to go to the outlet mall.

Winston says, My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help, and Coach says, Can't do it bro, I'm going to the outlet mall today, I'm gonna look like a rich person from three years ago


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13.

When Nick tried to push a pull door.

Nick says, I will push if I wanna push, and then when he can't get the door open he yells, I hate doooors


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14.

It was a Thursday.

Coach says, You've never been turned on by gas mileage before, Winton says, Once, Schmidt asks, When was that, Winston says, It was a Thursday, that's all I remember, Schmidt asks, A Thursday, Winston says, Yeah, and Schmidt glares at him


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15.

The way a panicking Nick asked someone if they wanted a grape.

Nick says, Would you like a green grape shoved in your, given to your mouth, handed to your mouth


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16.

What Jess thinks is a drug movie.

Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before, and Jess says, I don't know, I saw Ray


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17.

Nick’s reading level.

Nick says, I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words


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18.

Cece and Schmidt tried to have a nice first night in their new house after reading about the neighborhood’s crime rates, but then they heard a noise.

Schmidt and Cece are in bed and there's a loud bang, they jump and Schmidt yells, What the hells was that, are you the criminals, from the statistics


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19.

The reason Nick doesn’t wash a towel.

Schmidt says, Do you even wash it, and Nick says, No, I don't wash the towel, the towel washes me, who washes a towel


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20.

That time Schmidt shaved his “caterpillar eyebrows” because he thought everyone was making fun of them.

Schmidt is without most of his eyebrows and smiles at Winston, Winston screams, and Schmidt says, They're gone


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21.

They had to get rid of a “bag of meth” before Winston’s police academy home visit, but Nick’s inability to lie got in the way.

Nick says, I can't see it, I can't see where it goes, cause then when she comes in here I'll just yell trash, I'll yell trash, Jess says, Cover your ears and sing Landslide, and Nick covers his ears and sings, I took my love and I took it down


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22.

When everyone in the loft was having a weird and rough few days, so Winston gave them a talking to.

Winston says, Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft


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23.

What Nick forgot how to do.

Nick says, You don't forget how to be a lawyer, it's like riding a bike, flashback to him unable to ride and bike and he says They've changed these, then Nick says, Fine, I forgot how to ride a bike


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24.

Jess going off the grid.

Jess says, I'm so far off the grid that everybody's all, she's off the grid, and then I'm all, I don't play by your rules, I can drink at 11, A M


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25.

When Jess violated Nick’s privacy, so Nick went through all the stuff in her room.

Nick picks up a huge spool of yarn and says, What is this, Jess says, Yarn Nick says, What are you knitting, a mansion


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26.

The source of the clanging.

Dorado says, What's all that clanging, and Nick says, Oh, it's just a bunch of clanging


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27.

Schmidt hitting Nick with a car over a parking spot.

Nick says, Schmidt, no, Schmidt hits Nick and Nick says, You just hit me, Schmidt says, Damn right I did, you're sitting right in the middle of the spot, and Nick says, You hit me with your car over a parking spot, Schmidt


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28.

When Nick told Jess what she needed to do to fit in with her boyfriend’s extremely wealthy parents, and Winston came in hot with a great “fact.”

Nick says, You better learn how to ride a polo horse, and Winston says, It's actually a polio horse, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don't think anything of what I just said was correct


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29.

Where Schmidt blows off steam.

Schmidt says, Now you got Schmidt all cranked up, and Nick asks, You're cranked up, and Schmidt says, Yeah, I gotta go to the arcade now and blow off steam


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30.

Jess and Winston’s brief discussion of her periods.

Winston says, And girl, you ain't got a cycle, you got a rollercoaster, Jess says, Don't I know it, girl and then looks down in shame


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31.

Nick’s love for Beyoncé.

Nick says, I'd trust Beyoncé with my life, flashback to him singing, Ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard, bringing on that wood, oh baby, bringing on that wood, and back in the present Nick says, We be all night, we be all night


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32.

Schmidt trash talked beans.

Schmidt says, Beans are nothing but soggy nuts


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33.

Nick pranked Schmidt so that Schmidt would think he’d become an old man.

Schmidt stands below his height marks on the wall and says, Look at this, I'm freaking shrinking, Nick whispers, I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office, from there it was a basic spackle-and-silkscreen job


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34.

Bridgette Wilson-Sampras.

Schmidt says, I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here, Cece says, Who, Reagan says, I don't know, Schmidt says, Oh, I suppose you're both too cool to have seen THE WEDDING PLANNER, and then Winston says, Well, I've seen it


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35.

Which Daily Show Nick thinks is the best.

Nick says, I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show, I think it's the best one


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36.

Jess’s response to Schmidt’s fish tank.

Jess asks, Schmidt, an aquarium, when did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates


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37.

Schmidt got the fish tank because he wanted a lionfish.

Winston says, We both know what you really want is Cece, and Schmidt says, Cece the woman, you can’t put a woman in a fish tank, Winston, that doesn’t make any sense


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38.

Nick’s response to meeting Prince.

While Jess is yelling in excitement, Nick is stone-faced, then he screams, then he passes out


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39.

When Nick fake-flirted with Jess’s mom but then actually got a little into her.

Nick says, Do I regret it, yes, would I do it again, probably


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40.

Schmidt and Jess’s conversation about her date with Robby.

Schmidt says, How was your date, Jess says, It was great, and then it was disastrous, Schmidt says, Oh, so you had sex with him, Jess says, No, the opposite, and Schmidt asks, The opposite, so you gave birth to him


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41.

Nick’s cookie meltdown.

Nick says, You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie, you gave me a cookie, gave you cookie, gave me cookie, got you cookie, you gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man, gave me cookie, got you cookie


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42.

Winston avoided studying for his police academy exam by making a billion snowflakes.

Nick says, But he's using that to study for his police academy test and he is not to be disturbed, and we see Winston making a paper snowflake in his room, then we see that his room is covered in paper snowflakes and he says, not enough, not enough


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43.

When Jess said an A+ insult to Nick after he inadvertently messed up her day with her boyfriend’s daughter.

Jess says, I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry


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44.

How Schmidt tried to be intimidating when he and Nick were about to be outnumbered in a fight.

Schmidt says, Schmidt, Schmidt, Schmidt, Nick says, What are you doing, Schmidt says, I'm being a man, I'm Schmidt, Schmidt, Yeah, I'm Schmidt, in case you were wondering what my name is, it's Schmidt, Schmidt, this is Nick, Nick, Schmidt


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45.

When Coach and Winston were about to start a bake-off to see who could make Jess a better birthday cake.

Coach says, I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, ew, why do you say moist, I hate that word, I'm gonna be like, Just taste the cake, and they're gonna be like, Damn, it's moist


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46.

Schmidt had to put money in the douchebag jar because of this.

Schmidt says, Dammit, I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere


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47.

What Nick sleeps in.

Nick wearing a shirt so long it's a dress, says, It keeps the top really warm and lets my bottom breathe


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48.

Winston sitting closer than Nick.

An old man says to Nick, Looks like you got old-man back, welcome to the club, and Nick says, Looks like a cool club, then he says to Winston Ugh, you hear that, and Winston says, Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you


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49.

Youths.

Schmidt says, This is a horrible neighborhood, okay, there are youths everywhere, and then he sees his tires are gone and he yells, Youths


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50.

Nick’s response to Russell’s house.

Nick says, Something's happening to me, I want to sit at that desk and veto a law, Jess says, What are you doing, it's someone else's stuff, and he says, When I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life


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51.

Also, Nick’s inability to be normal around Russell when he visited the loft.

Nick takes noodles out of Russell's bowl and Jess says, Nick, don't eat his noodles, to which Nick says, Yeah, but we're bowl brothers now


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52.

Winston rolling off the couch while he’s sore from police academy.

Winton says, I can't close my ass, and Jess, Coach, and Nick all look confused


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53.

When Nick drank absinthe.

Nick says, You want to know what I'm thinking, I like dogs more than cats, I like chipmunks more than squirrels, I believe in UFOs, I had a bass teacher who did the standing bass who had a weird smell, I still think about it, his name was Mister Hilton


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54.

And he gave Dr. Sam the deepest of compliments.

Nick says, Doctor Sam, if you were a hat, you'd be a top hat, but like a really big Monopoly one, and I say that of the deepest compliments


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55.

Jess’s type.

Jess says, You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea


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56.

Foot lotion hand.

Nick says, They should make more foot lotion for your hand, foot lotion hand


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57.

When Winston was attempting to do a puzzle and asked Schmidt what he thought it would look like.

Winston, while doing a puzzle, asks, Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's going to look like, to which Schmidt says, What do I think it's going to look like, Winston, it's on the box, the picture's on the box, it's a Japanese garden


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58.

The time Jess wanted to prove that she and Nick were just as into each other as Schmidt and her sister.

Jess says, Babe, you have some powdered sugar on your, Nick says, Back off, I'm starving, Jess says, Come on, just let me get it off, it's so much, and Nick says, Get your own French toast, Jess


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59.

Schmidt’s perfect Halloween costume.

Schmidt is dressed up in a snake costume with a tie and a briefcase and he says, I'm a public serpent


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60.

Schmidt’s declaration at his “re-branding event” (party), which he threw to celebrate the fact that his penis was no longer broken.

Schmidt is dancing and says, Yes, my penis is working


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61.

The fact that the song that gets Nick pumped is “Cotton-Eyed Joe.”

In a car, Nick fist bumps and mimes the fiddle in Cotton-Eyed Joe, and Jess says, Why did you need me for this, Nick


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62.

When Winston tried to make small talk.

Winston asks, Fun Saturday, Dorado says, No, my bird died, Winston says, Well, my mom used to say, when a bird dies, he gets another set of wings in heaven, so, and Dorado says, Well, that bird was going straight to hell


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63.

The lives of Schmidt’s other friends.

Nick says, He called an oven an oves, he calls an airport airp, last month he went to a party called Bros Before Hoes on the Moon, and the dress code was yacht flair, Winston says, Schmidt has a friend who changed his middle name to one word, Doinit


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64.

And finally, Nick tried to tell a Sgt. everything he’d ever done.

Nick says, Okay, you want the truth, I'll tell you everything, when I was 13 years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office


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65.

He went in depth.

Nick says, When I was 9, I fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died, then I fed cereal flakes to all little animals, squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live, anything that lives half in and out of water dies and I don't understand why


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66.

And it’s all gold.

Nick says, When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth


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67.

What a concerning and fascinating person.

Nick says, My sixteenth year, I never got an erection, I thought they were done, I thought my penis was dead, it wasn't


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68.

It makes sense she wanted Winston to move.

Dorado says, Excuse me, please consider moving, I have no idea why you live with these people, what kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket, and Nick says, I thought it would make lightning


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